Take My Hand
by sleepywritess
Summary: Lily Evans is trying her hardest to balance her school, friendships, and family. But between dealing with her incarcerated mother and her polarizing friendship with a certain Slytherin, sometimes Lily struggles with seeing what is so clearly in front of her.
1. Chapter 1

**Lily Evans is trying her hardest to balance her school, friendships, and family. But between dealing with her incarcerated mother and her polarizing friendship with a certain Slytherin, sometimes Lily struggles with seeing what is so clearly in front of her.**

A couple of notes:

-This fic is _very close_ to canon with the exception of the creative liberties taken with Lily's family.

-I've marked this M because of select scenes, I'll put a warning at the start of the chapters where these scenes occur if you are sensitive to it. The first couple of chapters are pretty clean, its a bit of a slow burn.

-Story will be updated every Saturday.

**YEAR 5 | PART 1**

Lily Evans sat across from her best friend, Severus Snape, on the train back to Hogwarts where they had managed to get a private compartment. After a quiet summer, it was always a little bittersweet for Lily to return to Hogwarts. Over their breaks from school, they could spend countless uninterrupted hours talking and going on long, late night summer walks where they could dive into their thoughts together. But just as it had every year prior, the crisp fall breeze and the shorter days always pulled them back to school which inevitably would lead to busy schedules and less time spent together.

Each school year started the same for Lily. Severus would come over early in the morning to the small flat that Lily lived in with her half sister, Petunia, and her half sister's father, Richard, who had always been the closest thing that Lily had to a dad. They would eat toast and have tea while chatting about their upcoming classes before Richard would drive them to the train station.

With all of the drama and messiness that constantly surrounded Lily's home life, Severus had always reminded her that he was there for anything she needed. He knew the whole story, he'd met all of her family, and he understood her in way that others couldn't. Lily figured that as long as she had him, she didn't need to spread her sob story all over the school.

The uncomfortable truth about Lily's family orbited around her mother, Marigold Evans, who could not have been more unlike Lily in every way. Particularly when considering the fact that Marigold was about halfway through serving a ten year prison sentence— while Lily lived her life with a complete dedication to the rules.

As she sat with her best friend on their trip back to school, Lily made eye contact with a blond girl who was walking past their compartment. She was tall and tan with warm chocolate brown eyes and hair fell in large voluminous curls_. _Lily remembered, at 11 years old, assuming that the girl was going to be mean, strictly based on how pretty she was. Her assumption, however, was immediately proven to be incorrect.

Years ago, on their first night sharing a dorm room, the blond had pulled each of the other first year girls along with all of their pillows onto the floor to sit in a circle where they had played games about guessing truths and telling silly secrets.

Her name was Marlene, and she was the first girl that had ever reached out to be Lily's friend. Unfortunately, Marlene could barely tolerate the sight of Severus.

"There's just something not okay about him," Marlene had admitted to Lily late one night towards the end of their first year.

"Who, Sev? He's just a little shy. He doesn't really know how to connect with people," Lily had tried to assure Marlene, but no matter what Lily said to Marlene, or any of her fellow Gryffindors, she couldn't see Lily's side.

And so, it was the same routine every year, Lily and Severus would sit together on the train to school and then once they got off, they would join up with friends from their respective houses. Unlike Lily, who was a proud Gryffindor, Severus was a Slytherin and the two different houses had a long standing rivalry that frustrated Lily to no end.

The girls exchanged smiles and Lily waved to Marlene, but the blond didn't enter the compartment.

Walking alongside Marlene was Dorcas Meadows. She was another fifth year Gryffindor friend of Lily's. But she was unlike any other person that Lily had met. Lily imagined that Dorcas must have been plucked out of a superhero comic and dropped into Hogwarts, as she had never known someone so brave and so strong. Both mentally and physically, Dorcas was unbreakable. Even after only playing two years on the Gryffindor Quidditch team, she was already one of the most valued players. Dorcas would often draw up tests of physical fitness against the Gryffindor boys where she would proudly wipe the floor with them.

There was one more girl that rounded out the fifth year Gryffindor girls and that was Mary MacDonald. Mary had quickly become one of Lily's closest friends as they were alike in almost every way. Mary had shorter blond ringlets and clear blue eyes. She loved to read as much as Lily did and was equally as excited about her school work. While Marlene and Dorcas loved to run a little wild, Mary and Lily enjoyed making hot tea in their dormitory and gushing over whatever novel they had just read. Coincidentally, Mary was the only other Muggleborn witch in the group of fifth year Gryffindor girls.

The three girls continued down the corridor past Lily and Severus and made themselves comfortable in a compartment that they were able to score all to themselves. Well, until a handsome grey eyed boy decided to pay a visit.

"Hey, Dork," Sirius Black smirked as he slid into the empty seat beside Dorcas.

"Excuse me?" Dorcas put her magazine down in her lap and slowly turned to Sirius, "What did you call me?"

"Oh, come on Dorky, its a nickname," Sirius lazily draped his arm around her shoulder and leaned back into the seat behind him, pulling her backwards slightly with him.

Sirius was undeniably handsome and, unfortunately, he knew it. His wavy hair was black as night and his gray eyes were mesmerizing. Between his bad boy attitude and his mysteriously troubled history with his overbearing family, girls fell hard and fast for him.

Dorcas stared at him, unblinking, slowly fuming.

"Never. Ever. Call me that again."

"What? Dork?" Sirius gave her a devious smile as he said it once more.

Marlene smirked as she was very much ready to witness the first hex of they year to be sent Sirius' way. Mary tried to make eye contact with Dorcas, but was finding it impossible to silently diffuse her friend.

At the same moment, just a few meters down the corridor, three Gryffindor boys were making their way to locating a lost friend.

"He must be in one of these compartments, we've already walked almost the entire length of the train," Remus Lupin was beginning to get annoyed with their hunt and was determined to sit in the next empty compartment that they came across, regardless of if they found Sirius.

Remus' problem was solved as a loud bang was heard up ahead and Sirius came stumbling out of a compartment nearby, tripping over his own feet. It was very rare to see Sirius moving so clumsily and Remus found it comforting to see a boy so sure of himself finally have an awkward moment.

"Oi, Pads, what are you doing?" James Potter laughed at his best friend

"She's tried to kill me. I did nothing!" Sirius shouted loud enough for Dorcas to hear as he regained his composure and returned to the safety of his friend group.

"Who?" Peter questioned

"Dorcas."

"Why?" Remus asked.

"I said hello, and she flipped," Sirius recalled, "she started shocking me with little lightening bolts. Who does that?"

"Well, I believe you. Sounds unprovoked," James agreed, but it didn't really matter what Sirius' story was, James Potter was going to take Sirius' side regardless.

Five years ago, the four Gryffindor boys had banded together almost immediately. Unquestionably, they were unified in a sort of brotherhood that was bound together by a dedication to pushing the rules as far as possible and somewhat warped sense of justice.

Back in her own compartment, Lily had been daydreaming about her schedule for the upcoming year. She had chosen Arithmancy and Ancient Runes as her electives and was more than excited to jump into her courses. Over the summer, she had already started reading her _Ancient Runes Made Easy_ textbook at night before bed with a cup of tea. She knew Arithmancy was going to be a challenge but she was eager to throw herself into it and Severus had opted to take both electives with her so that they could easily spend more time together and be study partners.

"Have you taken a peak at the Numerology and Grammatica textbook? My eyes can't even begin to process some of the exercises in the later chapters. I'm so excited," Lily was beaming.

She had cracked open her Arithmancy book but quickly realized that it was not going to make for good light reading before bed. The colorful charts and nonsensical equations made her brain spin with anticipation.

"I've looked," Severus chuckled, "but I doubt I get the same amount of joy from charts that you manage to."

"Sorry," Lily laughed a little at herself, "its just all still feels so new, even after all these years. Sometimes I just can't believe that its all real."

"Slughorn is going to be sad to learn that your interests lay with chart making rather than brewing," Severus teased.

It was not a secret how much Professor Slughorn favored Lily in comparison to the rest of the student body, and Severus knew that he had every right to. She was a talented potion brewer. Hell, in Serverus' opinion she was good at everything she tried.

"Oh, he knows I'd never replace Potions in my heart. Its far too useful to give up."

It was in that moment that the pair heard a loud explosion from down the corridor. Lily sat up straight in her seat. She was technically now a Prefect, but she hadn't yet been to the first meeting of the year and she wasn't fully confident of the authority given by her new role.

She stood up to exit the compartment and assess the situation while Severus stayed in his seat. He leaned closer to the door to listen better for any news on what had happened but was content with Lily taking the lead.

She was unsurprised to see James Potter and Sirius Black laughing in the middle of the corridor. If there was any sort of loud explosion, they would be at the center of it.

"We haven't even gotten to the castle and you four are _already_ causing issues?" Lily shouted incredulously. She didn't need permission as a Prefect to scold James, that was a task she had taken on very early in her school career.

"No," James shouted back at her while still laughing, "I believe it's your friends that are causing a disturbance, Evans."

"Doubtful, Potter," Lily rolled her eyes at the pathetic attempt at a lie.

That was when she noticed the shiny gold pin stuck to Remus' robes. It was a Prefect pin just like the one she had received. Over the summer, she had assumed that based on his complete lack of competition for the role from his fellow 5th year Gryffindor boys that Remus was going to be receiving the title, but she couldn't believe that he would stand and watch his friends cause a ruckus while wearing the actual pin.

"Remus, are you seriously going to stand there with that Prefect pin and just watch them do whatever they please?" Despite how friendly they had grown to be over the years, Lily had to call him out.

"Honestly Lily, I've been here only seconds longer than you," Remus tried to assure her but he wasn't sure if she could even hear him over her angry thoughts that were undoubtedly directed at James.

"You're not sitting with your friends, Evans? Did you need a private compartment with your pet grease bag?" James mocked her and her blood boiled.

"Oh shove it, Potter. Sev has more kindness in one fingernail than you could ever muster in your entire body," she defended her quiet friend who had still not come out of the compartment.

"Please feel free to keep whatever disease you catch from that slime ball out of the Gryffindor common room," James continued while Sirius barked a laugh.

"I wouldn't imagine you would have to worry about anything in the common room, seeing as your head is too large to fit through the entryway."

"Oh, Evans just admit—" James started but was cut off by Remus.

"Alright, let's just calm down for a minute. Nothing happened. There's nothing to fight about," he reasoned.

Lily rolled her eyes, but she knew that Remus was right and, if anything, she was now only contributing to the mess in the corridor.

"Fine," she exhaled and gave James one last angry look before turning back into her compartment.

"He's an animal. They all are," Severus muttered as the door closed behind Lily and she took her seat across from him.

"Remus is nice, its just Potter and Black and you know Peter is just doing whatever those two buffoons tell him," Lily may have hated James and Sirius, but it didn't sit quite right with her to be bashing on Remus.

After all, she did know that he was taking Arithmancy that year and she was counting on being able to come to him in the common room if she had any last minute homework questions.

"No, they're all conceited bullies," Severus folded his arms.

Lily looked through the glass window into the corridor but immediately regretted it. She made eye contact with James as he and his friends walked past. He blew her a kiss and kept walking while Sirius shot a glare at Severus.

"I hate him. He is so infuriating!" Lily angrily folded her arms and fought the desire to run after him and hex him.

That evening, the student body filed into the Great Hall in anticipation for the annual sorting ceremony and, more importantly, a welcome back feast.

"So," Lily was cheery as she sat down with her three closest girlfriends at the Gryffindor table, "how was everyone's summers?"

"Quiet, like usual. Mostly just visited my nan," Mary reported with a lack of enthusiasm.

"Well, it has not escaped my notice that you witches did not in fact accompany me to the beach this year," Marlene joked.

"That's because this year you spent the summer at the beach in southern France and got lost immediately with _Jean-Claude_," Mary teased.

It was true, Marlene had informed her friends at the end of the year prior that she was being whisked away for a family bonding trip along the coast of France, leaving her unavailable to her friends for the summer.

"Oh yes, that beautiful boy," Marlene jokingly sighed before continuing, "Well, next summer. I mean it!"

"Next summer, we'll take a girls trip regardless of whether or not you can manage to squeeze us into your very busy schedule," Dorcas teasingly threatened.

Lily smiled to herself as she shook her head at her friends.

"Now we just have to get through an entire school year and our O.W.L.s and then we can all go to the beach," Lily reminded the group.

"Ugh, please don't mention the O. , we haven't even started classes yet," Dorcas groaned.

"What electives did you all sign up for?" Mary asked eagerly and Lily perked up at the chance to talk about Arithmancy again.

"Arithmancy and Ancient Runes!" Lily announced proudly.

"_Why _would you do that to yourself?" Marlene laughed

"Do what? I think they both sound really interesting."

"They sound like a nightmare of homework," Marlene told her.

"Well, yes its a lot to learn, but its all really interesting and there are so many career pathways that they lead to," Lily explained while Dorcas raised her eyebrows and nodded along half heartedly, "Besides, Sev is taking them both too and he's great with notes and helping with homework."

The three other Gryffindor girls were quiet. Marlene visibly rolled her eyes while Dorcas suddenly became very interested in in seam of her sleeve. Mary did her best to avoid catching Lily's line of sight but she let out a small hum of acknowledgment at Lily's statement. Lily hadn't expected the warmest reception of the name of her best friend, but she was persistent that she could eventually get her friends to see what she saw in him. Her fellow Gryffindors never understood their friendship and had on occasion suggested that it was a bad idea altogether, but this always just confirmed her suspicion that Severus was right, they wouldn't understand the real her.

"Okay, well," Lily said breaking the silence, "which electives did you lot sign up for?"

"Well, I'll be in Ancient Runes with you and I'm also taking Care of Magical Creatures," Mary perked back up, eager to move on from the awkwardness.

"Yeah, I have Runes too and also Divination," Dorcas replied, "what about you, Marlene?"

"Who knows?" Marlene responded with a smirk.

"Well, _you_ should know," Dorcas was laughing at her friend that was still struggling to accept that she was no longer on holiday.

"I suppose it was Care of Magical Creatures and Ancient Runes," Marlene said pretending to rack her brain. Lily knew that despite Marlene's outward haphazard attitude about classes, she did actually care when push came to shove.

"Well, evening ladies," Sirius Black cut into the conversation while he dropped into the seat next to Marlene.

Remus followed suit and sat on Sirius' other side while James and Peter sat across from them on the other side of the table.

"Are you going to behave yourself or have you come to get your ass handed to you again?" Dorcas' words might have sounded unfriendly, but Sirius was sure it was just her way of telling him how much she adored his company.

"Don't worry, he's brought chocolate frog peace offerings to make up for earlier," Remus nudged Sirius as a reminder.

"Oh yes," Sirius dug around in his bag to find the chocolates that Remus may or may not have insisted that he purchase to offer as an apology for starting off the year so poorly.

Lily turned her head slightly away from the boys and tuned out the conversation, she was still annoyed at their behavior on the train and was uninterested in making polite conversation. She briefly made eye contact with Severus at the Slytherin table and smiled, he returned the smile back to her but then his eyes flickered over to James who had filled the seat immediately to her right when he had taken the seat across from Sirius. Severus' smile was gone and his attention was lost after that. Lily dropped her smile into a slight frown as she looked at her plate, she hated the distance that being back at school made her feel from her oldest friend.

"What's wrong, Flower?" Sirius was smirking as he brought the group's attention to Lily.

She quickly looked up at found his gray eyes peering directly into hers. She couldn't quite decipher his facial expression. His eyes appeared to be full of actual concern, but his smirk implied that she was being set up for a practical joke. Lily assumed that it was this sort of mixed signaling that got Sirius so far with girls. She could easily see how it would leave an interested girl wondering for hours about his motives and thoughts, kindling an obsession with Sirius that seemed the plague the majority of her female classmates.

"I'd lose my appetite too if I had Snivellus staring at me while I was eating," James piped in.

"Do not call him that," Lily snapped at him, obviously James had noticed Severus' glance just moments ago.

"How can you be so delusional about that git?" James pressed

"You're the only git here, Potter," Lily could feel her cheeks getting hot with anger.

"See, I told you she likes me better than you," Sirius interjected, teasing his best friend.

"You are both bullies," Lily corrected Sirius.

"Right, but _he's_ the only git here," Sirius continued to ignore the point of what Lily was saying, "I'm just a bully, he's a bully and a git. I think that ranks me higher on your favorites list."

"You are both insufferable," Lily had the urge to storm out of the Great Hall.

"Okay, but still, insufferable bully sounds like it ranks higher than insufferable bully git," James had his trademark crooked smile plastered on his face as he continued Sirius' argument, "And that's not possible, since we all know that I'm your favorite Gryffindor."

"Potter, you are at best my favorite Gryffindor to push from the Astronomy tower," Lily folded her arms across her stomach to stop herself from reaching for her wand and hexing him.

Before James could retort, Dorcas stepped in.

"That's enough, we've been at Hogwarts for not even half an hour and you two have already started fighting."

"Technically they started fighting hours ago," Peter reminded the group, "when they got into it on the train."

"He started it with all the commotion," Lily defended herself.

"Your friends started it when they hexed Sirius," James' defense was up now.

"_Your_ friend started it when he came into our compartment and started throwing around stupid nicknames," Dorcas jumped in.

"You've already accepted the chocolate, you're not allowed to still be mad," Sirius reminded Dorcas.

"Maybe let's go back to talking about O.W.L.s, I think I may actually prefer that," Marlene decided to take charge and change the subject.

As the chilly autumn air settled into the castle as the students all settled into their classes. That Monday morning, Lily Evans was sitting in her Transfiguration class, sharing a desk with Mary. Marlene and Dorcas were sitting at shared the desk directly behind Lily and Mary, she suspected that there was minimal note taking happening at that desk station.

Lily worked hard and did very well in all of her classes, but Transfiguration didn't come the as naturally to her as some of her other studies. In theory, everything made sense and appeared straight forward, but it seemed that most spells required tapping into a part of herself that she struggled to connect with.

It didn't help that she had begun taking Arithmancy and was always itching to get out of Transfiguration and on to her class that followed immediately after. Arithmancy she could handle, it was all thoughts and reasoning. She could solve those problems. Transfiguring objects? Lily resolved that it was maybe all too abstract for her.

At that moment, the class was discussing switching spells. Lily very uncharacteristically had not done the reading in preparation for class and so she did not feel particularly confident in participating in the conversation. Recently, her mind had recently become too clouded by distracted thoughts about her family and the messiness that she had left behind when she returned to school. She distinctly recalled staring into her Transfiguration text book the night prior, but her eyes were unwilling to read and absorb any information.

Professor McGonagall had explained the concept of switching spells and Lily had taken down her notes, but she was failing to find the usefulness in a practical situation. Why would she need to swap two unrelated objects with a spell when she could physically swap them with her hands? Professor McGonagall was detailing the steps to take to preform the spell, but Lily couldn't quite get past the _why_. What would she be switching? Why would she be switching them?

Lily looked at the quill in her hand and the paper on her desk. She imagined a world in which she would need her paper in her hand and her quill on the desk. Perhaps she had finished writing and was going to turn the paper in. That was a real scenario. But why would it be more efficient to use her wand and a spell to switch the two instead of just… putting down the quill and picking up the paper.

Which is why it was unfortunate to Lily when she was called upon by the professor who had likely noticed the distracted look on Lily's face.

"Miss Evans," Professor McGonagall called her to attention, "based on your reading assignment and critical thinking please share an example of the usefulness of this spell."

Lily sat in silence and felt her cheeks turning red with heat from her embarrassment. She couldn't even break her eye contact with her professor long enough to throw a panicked expression at Mary.

"Miss Evans?"

"Oh, um well," Lily begged her brain to calm down and come up with an answer. She was not used to preforming badly in class and spotlight that was now being thrown onto her unpreparedness was excruciating.

Lily heard a couple of snickers from the back of the room. Suddenly she felt very stupid. It occurred to her that since most of her classmates had grown up around magic, that it was very likely they'd all been exposed to the spell many years prior and its uses were obvious to them.

"Well Miss Evans, I'm sure you could think up an example or two if you truly put your mind to it," the professor told Lily, "But I wonder class, who can share with me a real-world practical example?"

Lily internally cringed when she heard the shuffling of robes around her as multiple hands went up in the air. She couldn't bring herself to listen to any more of the lesson, and she mentally started counting down the seconds until she could leave the classroom.

She was relieved when the class was dismissed and she parted ways with her friends as she began to make her way to her Arithmancy.

"Hey, Lily!" She heard her name being called and paused on her way to Arithmancy, she didn't have to turn around to know that the voice calling her belonged to Remus Lupin.

They never left Transfiguration together, but he always managed to catch up to her before she made her way fully to their next class. If she was being honest with herself, she was intentionally walking slowly so that he could easily catch up, just as she was sure that he was intentionally walking quickly so that he would catch up to her. She liked Remus, he was smart and thoughtful especially for a teenaged boy, she did, however, hate his friends.

Two of his best friends, James Potter and Sirius Black, were flashy about their statuses as some of Hogwarts' most handsome and charming Quidditch heroes with bad boy attitudes. Girls blushed and whispered over the boys, who more than indulged their own egos in it all. Lily saw through all the smoke and mirrors that they put on and she saw them for who they were. Bullies with no respect for authority, kindness, or general decency. It did not help that they also had a particularly strong love for torturing one of her best and oldest friends, Severus, who did not fit into their golden Gryffindor ideals.

The boys were annoyingly talented with their spells, and they fed off of the attention that they received when making a large display with their pranks_._ More often than not, their stupid stunts were accomplished at the expense of someone else. And of course, _someone_ usually meant Severus and his friends, though the boys liked to call themselves equal opportunists, saying that everyone could be a potential target. Then there was Peter, the fourth boy that rounded out their little friend group that Lily found to be rather quiet and she often struggled to figure out his character. He rarely soaked up attention quite like the other boys enjoyed, but he loved mischief in the same way that both James and Sirius did.

"Hi, Remus," Lily smiled as he caught up with her.

"How's your day going?" He asked, politely ignoring the slight humiliation that she brought upon herself during Transfiguration.

"It's fine," she mumbled, "it's just rough starting off my week with my worst class, is all."

"If that's the worst that you're doing with classes, then you're in a really good place," he smiled at her.

Remus was so kind, Lily could never understand why he remained loyal to the dolts that he hung around with. She could understand their attachment to him, she imagined that he was necessary in any real organizing that their plots required, but she could never understand what he could possibly be getting in return from that friendship. She assumed that he must have just been a little quieter about his petulance for trouble.

"Thank you, but being laughed at by half of the class isn't exactly stellar."

"It wasn't half, just a loud minority," Remus tried to make her feel better, "and they're idiots if they think that you're something to laugh at," he chuckled as he spoke in an attempt to trick Lily into smiling back.

"Well, at least we have Arithmancy, I can handle things that make sense," Lily cheered up a little.

"Now that makes no sense to me," Remus shook his head.

"It's all equations that have solutions. Charts and numbers and things that are just waiting to be solved," Lily explained, "Transfiguration is all _bippity-boppity-boo_ and wand waving in imagination land.

"Imagination land?" Remus was laughing as they entered the classroom, "I hate to break it to you Lily, but you're not exactly in Kansas anymore."

Lily couldn't contain her smile as they sat at a shared desk and waited for class to start. Remus, unlike his arrogant friends, was a Halfblood, which meant that he shared some of the same muggle upbringing that Lily had and was occasionally able to trade muggle references with her.

Hours later, during that evening, Lily was sitting with Mary and Marlene on a couch in the Gryffindor common room. They had each poured themselves large mugs of tea from the Great Hall before retreating to the common room for the night. At some point in the beginning of Lily's third year she and her friends had decided to take mugs into the castle on their return from Christmas break so that they could bring hot tea from the Great Hall back to their dormitories on cold evenings.

She inspected the oversized mug that she held in her hands, it was dip dyed to be various shades of blue and had light speckles throughout. Her mother had made the mug when Lily was about 6, and it was one of the clearest memories that Lily had of her. Her mother, Marigold Evans, had a friend that kept a kiln in her home and as children Lily and her sister, Petunia, would often play with small piles of clay while her mother and her friend would sculpt various pots and containers. The mug had been one of two that Marigold made for her daughters. Petunia and Lily choose the colors and they each assisted in painting one.

The mug was also one of only a few pieces of physical evidence that Lily had of her mother, and late at night when it was cold and Lily was feeling a little lonely it kept her hopeful that one day she'd have her family back. Or at least some version of it. Lily quietly kept a small hope that her sister would eventually come around to their differences, after all they were both still moody teenagers, and she laid a lot of hope on the idea that the return of their mother- their only common thread- would be instrumental in bringing them back together.

The Gryffindor girls were snuggled into the couch and Lily took a short whiff of her scalding hot tea, it was a light chamomile and she was deeply looking forward to it, she just needed to give it a few more moments to cool slightly.

"I can't believe we've already been back at Hogwarts for almost two months. I'm really looking forward to Hogsmeade this weekend," Mary pulled her feet in closer to herself and she curled into the couch.

"I'm so excited to get out of the castle," Marlene agreed, "especially to get some shopping in. I need better jumpers, I feel so frumpy all of time.

"I'm quite happy with my jumpers, but I'll window shop with you," Lily chuckled as she went to sip her tea.

Except that as the liquid touched her lips, she felt a frigid cold liquid and immediately noticed the lack of aroma. Before she could voice her confusion, she heard her least favorite voice.

"Oi, Evans!" James Potter shouted from across the common room.

All of the girls looked over at him, but before Lily had time to respond James kept talking.

"_That _is a real world example of what you use a switching spell for," he grinned as he held up his own mug, now full of her hot tea as he took a sip.

Sirius let out a bark of laughter and Peter couldn't contain his giggles. Lily wanted to smack the smiles off of each of their faces. Remus shook his head and looked into his lap, refusing to make eye contact with Lily.

"You are such a prat!" Lily yelled as she stood from the couch.

"It's a joke, Evans," James leaned back in his chair, still smiling, "look, just switch it back if you want it that badly."

"Sod off," Lily refused to embarrass herself by not being able to pull the spell off in front of him. It would only bring him more satisfaction. She could brew circles around him in Potions, but when it came to Transfiguration she needed focused private practicing before being confident in her spell work.

"No?" James challenged her, "Well then, thanks for tea. Next time I'd prefer a little honey."

She was resolved to not stoop to his level. She wasn't going to hex him, she wouldn't let him get the better of her. She did slightly struggle with the urge to throw her mug at his head, and if it wasn't her absolute favorite mug, James Potter would have a welt in the middle of his smug forehead.

Lily turned away from him and began to storm up the stairs to the girl's dormitory. However, as she marched, she noticed heat returning to her mug in her hands. She looked down to see that he had switched her tea back.

'_That arrogant bastard. Pulling that damn spell off not once but twice,' _She fumed to herself, and then with a flash of anger she forgot how to control her hands. She spun on the steps and without thinking launched her cup of hot tea at him. She missed his head, but did hit the table in front of him. The mug shattered and hot tea was spilled all over the papers he had laid out in front of him and onto his trousers.

She felt an immediate sadness as she looked at her now smashed mug. But she turned away without a word and continued up to her dormitory. Quickly, Marlene and Mary ran after Lily but not without throwing angry looks at the boys.

"Why wont he leave me alone?" Lily was exasperated and could feel tears forming as she sat on her bed. In the rational part of her brain she knew that some of this frustration was coming from repressed feeling about her mother and words that she wished she had yelled at Petunia when her attitude got out of control over the summer. But in this moment, she had no problem redirecting them to Potter.

"Oh, Lily," Mary put her arms around Lily as they sat together on her bed.

Dorcas had been moving through some evening meditation but quickly dropped any attempt at finishing her evening routine at the sight of an angry Lily.

"What happened?!" Dorcas stood and approached the group of girls.

"Oh, its James," Marlene explained, "he used that stupid spell from Transfiguration today and took Lily's tea and was teasing her about it.

"He's an arrogant monster!" Lily exclaimed while leaning into Mary's comfort.

"He just thinks he's being funny," Dorcas tried to diffuse the situation, but she knew from experience that it was very unlikely anything she said was going to change Lily's mind about James.

"And he broke my mug," Lily's tear were gone and her anger had taken back over.

"He broke your mug?" Dorcas didn't hid the shock in her voice over the idea that James had resorted to property damage.

"Yes," Lily huffed.

Marlene silently shook her head at Dorcas with a look that implied there was some exaggeration happening.

"Why did he break it?" Dorcas pushed for more of the story.

"Because he's a bully who only cares about himself."

"Lily, I'm going to need more information. He took your tea and then broke your mug?"

"Well, okay," Lily took a breath and tried to calm her nerves, "maybe he didn't break it directly. But he made me throw it at him. And it broke. And it was my favorite mug. All he does is proclaim that he is some god sent Chaser and he can't even catch one mug."

"Oh, Lily," Dorcas sat on the edge of Lily's bed trying to think of a way to help, "we can repair the mug. It'll be okay."

"Repair the mug," Lily repeated quietly while she dropped her head into her hands, "I'm such a shit witch. Of course I can repair it. Why didn't I think of that?"

"Lily Evans, you are the opposite of a shit witch. You're one of the top witches in our entire class. You were just a little upset and distracted," Mary rubbed Lily's back as she reassured her friend.

"Yeah, if you're a shit witch, then what the hell am I?" Marlene laughed, "do you remember how long you sat with me going over and over on how to preform literally any spell we were taught in our first year? I could barely get an incantation out correctly and if you never helped me, I probably would have had to drop out of Hogwarts."

"Marlene is right, you know you brew at least a quarter of all my potions," Dorcas added trying to make Lily feel better.

"I don't deserve you guys," Lily smiled lightly, "I know, your right. I'm not a shit witch. He just gets under my skin."

"Is that because you _luv him_?" Marlene teased as she danced away from Lily.

"I will break both your arms if you ever say that to me again," Lily informed her.

"She's joking," Mary tried to keep a semblance of peace.

The quiet teasing about the idea of secret feelings between Lily and James was not particularly new but it was something that Lily never appreciated. It seemed to Lily that James went out of his way to bother her and she had always been very clear that her feelings were only those of loathing and general disgust. The idea of Lily having any sort of secret emotion towards James was more than just unfunny to her.

"I need to get the pieces of my mug back if I'm going to repair it," Lily mumbled, she was not in the mood to see Potter again but she would be damned if she was going to let that prat stop her from getting back her favorite mug.

Lily stood and made her way back to the door that led into the shared Gryffindor common room and Mary immediately followed her, unwilling to let her best friend have a run in with James alone. Dorcas stood as well to go down with Lily because, after spending so much time playing Quidditch with those boys, she was more than familiar with their occasional need for a reality check.

However, by the time Lily made it to the steps she noticed a significantly emptier common room. Potter and his friends were gone, and so was any sign of her wasted tea and oversized mug.

"Great," Lily muttered, "I suppose they've just cleaned it all away."

"Oh, Lily," Mary put her hand on Lily's shoulder, "This just means we can go mug shopping on Saturday in Hogsmeade. Its a blessing in disguise."

"She's right, look at the silver lining," Dorcas agreed.

Lily nodded her head and turned to go back up the stairs.

"Thanks guys, I'm sorry that I got a little dramatic tonight," Lily smiled at her friends as she opened the door to their room.

"Lily, feel free to be the craziest witch you feel like being whenever you feel like it. I know I do," Dorcas smiled back at her before falling into her bed.

Lily cuddled into her bed, pulling her blankets around her until she felt safe and warm in her little cocoon. For a moment, she let herself indulge in her sadness as she stirred up memories of her mother but as she fell into her slumber, all sad thoughts were left behind.

—

Next chapter will be up on Saturday!

Even if you hate it, I'd love to hear your thoughts. I haven't really written much of anything in a long time.


	2. Chapter 2

**This one is a bit of a shorter one. I got a bit distracted and excited with future chapters while writing and decided on a last minute plot line shift.  
**

**Also I **_**thought**_** the M rated chapters would be later… but the M content starts at the end of this chapter.**

**YEAR 5 | PART 2**

That Saturday Lily found herself browsing the shops at Hogsmeade with her friends. Her step father, Richard, had given her a small amount of money to take with her to school, but she wasn't planning on spending any of it unless absolutely necessary. Every trip always included getting hot drinks and possibly food, and she needed to have money to at least cover that expense. Her jumpers may have been a little worn but her uniform was more than fine and she wasn't in desperate need of new clothing. However, it was hard for her to watch her friends picking out jumpers and new stockings while she pretended to not be interested.

"Just feel this sweater," Marlene pushed a black low cut sweater into Lily's hand.

"It's beautiful," Lily agreed, it was silky and warm, and she did wish that she could own something like it.

"You should get it, you never indulge yourself," Marlene cocked her head at Lily.

"It's nice, but I don't know if its for me."

"Are you kidding? It's so smooth and warm, its for everyone," Marlene shook her head and smiled.

"I just don't like having so many things, plus I'm happy with the clothes I have," Lily smiled as she spoke, almost trying to brainwash herself.

"Fine, don't get it," Marlene dropped the sleeve that she had been stroking and turned to browse through another pile.

"If you like it so much, you should get it for yourself," Lily suggested, "and keep in mind that I need to focus my energy on replacing my mug. So keep your eyes out, it has large shoes to fill."

"Will do," Marlene nodded as she flipped through sorted piles.

"I want everything," Mary moaned, "I know I don't need it, but I want it."

"What is _need_?" Marlene smirked as she tossed a pair of knee high socks in Mary's direction.

"I wish I could turn off my sense of self discipline like you," Mary laughed.

"You can, you just need to believe in yourself," Marlene joked as she unfolded another sweater.

"I do really like these," Mary admired a set of extra fluffy winter knee high socks. "I could call it a Christmas present."

"Just to clarify, you mean a Christmas present to yourself," Dorcas joined the conversation.

"Well, yeah." Mary smiled and shrugged.

Lily giggled with her friends but made a mental note to look for a summer job, she was not going to be stuck window shopping again next year.

"Are you guys trying things on?" Dorcas asked.

"Um, no, I don't think so," Marlene answered while considering the small pile in her arms, "I've just got a few sweaters, how bad could the fit really be?"

"I'm fine without trying on, I've just got the socks and maybe this cardigan," Mary agreed turning to Lily. "How cozy would this be to read in on Saturday mornings?"

"Mm, very," Lily nodded in support but continued to do her best to not seem overeager in any particular item.

"And should we stop into a gift shop and see if we can find Lily a mug? Maybe one made out of plastic so it'll be less likely to break next time she tries to take James out with it?" Dorcas put her arm around Lily and smiled.

"If its for the purpose of hitting Potter with, then I think we should look for a mug with spikes," Lily informed her.

"Ouch," Marlene laughed. "You know, James is not as bad as you think he is, he doesn't ever mean to be malicious."

"Yeah, he doesn't mean to, he just naturally is," Lily retorted.

Marlene always tried to come to the defense of James and Sirius when talking to Lily. Unlike Lily, she loved the boys and found them to be both very nonjudgmental when it came to rash activity and very encouraging when it came to having any sort of fun.

"No, that isn't how I meant it," Marlene sighed dramatically as she pulled Mary by the hand in the direction of the checkout.

"I don't know what she's talking about," Lily rolled her eyes and mumbled to Dorcas.

"There are worse boys at Hogwarts," Dorcas shrugged, while she found some of their antics obnoxious, she did overall like the boys.

"Yeah, I suppose," Lily agreed as she mentally considered some of Severus' seedy friends that openly hated her and anyone else who was a Muggleborn.

"There's a little Christmas shop that's popped up not too far from here, its mostly little knick knacks, but I think they'd have some cute mugs and things," Dorcas had already moved on from the subject.

"Oh, perfect, maybe we should get a head start while they check out," Lily suggested.

"Yeah," Dorcas eyed the crowd of girls that was surrounding the checkout counter and the two overwhelmed witches that were working in the shop attempting to complete transactions as quickly as possible.

"Mary! Marlene!" Lily shouted, "We're popping around the corner, meet us at the coffee shop!"

After getting a muffled shout of acknowledgement back, Lily and Dorcas made their way out into the cold. There were old piles of snow that had long settled into the ground, but there was no more new snowfall for the time being. Lily quickly caught sight of the blinking lights that decorated the temporary gift shop that had sprung up not too far away.

But before Lily and Dorcas could make their way to the shop, Lily noticed Severus walking in their direction with exactly the Slytherin friends she had been thinking about just moments prior.

She wanted to say hi, or just smile and get his attention, but that was going to be impossible without starting something with his friends. Lily continued to look at Severus as she mentally willed him to look her way. After a few moments of no success, she glanced quickly to the boys he was walking with and unfortunately made eye contact with one of them.

Lily knew him only by name. He was large, much larger than anyone else in their year, and had the most unnerving grin. Even his closest friends called him by his surname, Mulciber, and walking alongside him was another boy Lily barely knew named Avery. The pair was almost always together and increasingly she had noticed them always hanging around Severus.

Obviously, she knew that it would make sense for him to become friendly, or at the least acquainted, with his housemates, but she hated that these were the people he spent so much time with. While she had never really met either of them, they were both very openly anti-Muggleborns and spent a lot of time in detentions, usually for being disruptive and angry.

For a quick moment, Lily could have sworn she saw Mulciber lick his lips while staring back at her and her stomach turned. She must have made a face when she finally turned away, because Dorcas immediately asked her what was wrong.

"Nothing, I'm fine," Lily lied, "just cold."

Before the lie was even out of Lily's mouth, Dorcas had already spotted the group of Slytherins and quickly put together the reason for Lily's discomfort.

"Oh, them?" Dorcas dropped her voice as the two groups passed each other.

"I don't know, I just don't feel well. Honestly, I don't need a mug, let's just go to the coffee shop and wait for the others."

"Are you sure?" Dorcas had never been the most emotionally charged girl but she knew Lily absolutely was the sort.

"Yeah, let's just sit."

"Okay," Dorcas nodded.

She didn't really want to press the issue if Lily wasn't interested in talking about it and so they walked in silence to the little coffee shop.

It only took a few minutes for Mary and Marlene to catch up and find, and the girls all settled into a corner booth at a small boutique coffee shop that rarely attracted many students during Hogsmeade weekends. Both Lily and Mary had taken to hiding their finger tips between their thighs and their seats in hopes of returning warmth to their frozen hands faster.

"Morning girls," a cheery older waitress approached their table, "what can I get you?"

"I think we all want hot chocolates, right?" Marlene said looking around.

"Yeah, that's good with me," Mary nodded.

"Yepp, hot chocolate," Lily agreed quickly.

"And maybe a plate of the mixed biscuits?" Dorcas added, "for the table?"

"Yes!" Marlene's eyes lit up.

As the girls waited for their hot chocolates, they chatted endlessly about classes, their upcoming break, and any gossip they may have forgotten to pass along.

"I love coming here when it's cold," Marlene started the chatter.

"I hope we always come here," Mary added. "Even after we graduate."

"Of course we will," Dorcas agreed. "Even when we're old and have real lives, we can make it an annual hot chocolate date."

Lily smiled and felt a warmness inside her that she only ever felt with her girlfriends. Knowing that she had people that always wanted to be in her life was a reassurance that she sometimes needed to hear.

"Here girls," their waitress had returned with a tray of mugs of biscuits that she laid out on the table for them.

"Oh Lily," Mary started while she brought her hot chocolate to her lips to lightly blow on it. "Show us the mug you picked."

"Oh," Lily threw a glance to Dorcas. "We actually didn't end up finding one, it was too cold and I just wanted to sit down."

"What? That was the only thing you were interested in doing today," Marlene put her own hot chocolate down on the table.

"No, I just wanted to spend the day shopping with you guys, it doesn't matter if I buy anything or not," Lily told the group.

"But what will you make tea in?" There was a very serious look of concern that had crossed Mary's face.

"I don't know," Lily shrugged. "Maybe I can get one from the dining hall? It wouldn't be incredibly hard to just slide one into my bag."

"Oh! True," Marlene's face lit up as she contemplated the idea of an upcoming theft.

"That would be a nice Hogwarts souvenir, actually," Dorcas was now considering nicking her own mug.

"Wait," Marlene sat straight up and looked Lily dead in the face and began to silently mouth her words. "Why don't you take one of _these_ mugs?"

Lily looked at the hot chocolate filled mug in her hands.

"No, that's real theft," Lily laughed. "Taking one from the dining hall is like, practically borrowing. I could always return it. Or I could just forget to return it."

"But how cute are these?" Mary was now observing her own mug.

The mugs they were drinking out of resembled classic delicate tea cups with hand painted floral patterns, but they were much more oversized than usual with a very wide rounded bottom.

"They are cute," Lily sighed.

"But again, theft," Dorcas reminded the group.

"Right," Lily nodded.

"Okay fine," Marlene shrugged in the way that she always did when she was barely pretending to drop a subject.

Lily picked up a biscuit to dip into her drink.

"New topic, I'm thinking of coloring my hair," Mary announced.

"Really?" Lily was genuinely shocked, "What color?"

"I kinda want it to be a warmer brown. I feel like the blond is just so boring."

"I love your hair, its so pretty," Marlene's heart broke over hearing someone wanting to hide their blond hair.

"I think a chocolatey brown would be nice," Dorcas ignored Marlene's objection.

"I think both would look nice on you," Lily agreed, "Would you do it over break at a salon? Or do you want to do it yourself?"

"A salon over break?" Marlene looked a little worried, "Mary, please don't put some weird muggle concoction on your hair. It's so damaging, they, like, stain it."

"They dye it," Lily had to stop herself from rolling her eyes at Marlene's dramatics but she smiled slightly.

"Yeah, its damaging and weird, use a spell," Marlene was insistent.

"I have to look one up. Or maybe find a potion over break in Hogsmeade somewhere. I do think the maintenance would be easier, I wouldn't be able to touch up my roots until summer if I do it the Muggle way."

"That is true," Lily could see the reasoning.

"Hi, excuse me," Marlene interrupted the conversation to grab the attention of their waitress who had been walking by their table. "How much would you want for one of these mugs?"

The old witch looked at the mug in Marlene's hand and took a deep breath of consideration.

"Honestly, honey, if it means that much to you, you can have it."

"No, really, I can pay for it," Lily insisted.

"Look, I don't own these mugs, so I can't sell it to you. But I also don't make enough to particularly care about counting them at the end of the night," the old woman shrugged. "If one is missing, oh well."

"Really, it is just the one," Marlene assured her.

"I really can pay for it," Lily could feel her cheeks getting warm.

The old woman eyed the group of girls. "I wouldn't have a way to account for the money in the till at the end of the night."

"If it's really okay," Lily dropped her gaze down to her hands, she did not intend to be a charity case.

"Keep it, its fine," the waitress shrugged again, "anything else I can get you girls?"

"No, I think we're good," Marlene was beaming as the waitress walked away.

"You didn't have to do that," Lily mumbled.

"I know I didn't, but I wanted to."

"Well, thank you," Lily was grateful to know that she would be returning to the castle with something to make tea in that night.

Though it wasn't exactly the same as her old mug, it was nice to put an end to the mess that she had let Potter temporarily stir up in her life.

A few hours later, the girls had barely crossed the entrance back to the castle before Lily could hear her name being shouted down the corridor by her least favorite Gryffindor.

"Oi! Evans!" James Potter called.

"What?" Lily barely slowed down as she continued to walk with her friends towards the Gryffindor common room.

"Oh nothing, just missed you out at Hogsmeade today, I didn't see you around,"

"Well its not my fault that your observation skills are lacking, because I was there."

"Or maybe its not that my observation skills are lacking and its that you just don't know where to hang out," James countered.

"Hmm," Lily let out a sound of acknowledgment of his statement, but refused to encourage a conversation.

"Unless, in fact, it is your goal to have an unenjoyable Saturday," Lily's lack of input did not deter James from continuing to speak.

"In case you somehow haven't been able to notice, Potter, I am completely uninterested in carrying on this conversation with you," Lily stopped walking for a moment and looked directly into his face.

"Why not? I'm being perfectly pleasant despite your sour attitude."

"My sour attitude?" Lily rolled her eyes and kept walking.

"Yes, Evans," James kept up after her, his friends were trailing behind them watching the conversation. "When in polite company, it is expected for you to pull the stick out of your ass and respond in full sentences when asked a question."

"Excuse me?" Lily had enough of his nonsense, "There is nothing polite about your company."

"I beg to differ, I've done nothing of harm to you—"

"You broke my mug!" Lily shouted, "And you didn't apologize."

"I broke your mug?" James was incredulous, "_I_ broke your mug?"

"Yes. _You_ broke my mug," Lily mocked his tone while she crossed her arms.

"_You_ catapulted your mug at _me_," James was beginning to raise his voice, "And that was after I returned your damn tea."

"How dare you!" Lily raised her voice back at him, "You are insufferable. You never take any responsibility for your actions. You started it because your a bully and you think upsetting others is funny."

"How are you getting any of that from the fact that you threw a mug at my head?" James didn't hide his annoyance.

"I threw it because you made me!" Lily defended her actions, nominally aware that her argument wasn't exactly airtight.

"I apologized! And then you threw that garbage piece of ceramic at me!" James continued shouting.

"You NEVER apologized for anything!" Lily yelled back.

"I gave you your blasted tea back!"

"That's NOT an apology!"

"Oh well, I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was in the presence of the bloody apology police!" James had lost all control of the volume of his voice.

"Oh sod off!" It appeared that Lily had equally given up trying to control her volume, "And, by the way, for someone who does nothing but brag about his great Quidditch talent, you'd think you'd be able to catch ONE mug aimed right at you!"

"You are out of your mind if you think that mug was even remotely aimed!" James continued shouting.

"Yeah well I hope Ravenclaw isn't bringing any mugs to the match on Saturday because Merlin knows James Potter wont be saving any of those from scoring."

"Mugs aren't worth any points and I'm NOT A KEEPER!" James yelled as they both became aware of the audience that they had drawn.

"Why are you shouting?" Dorcas interrupted, "You are not even a meter away from each other."

Lily looked at the short distance between Potter and herself. She imagined her cheeks were completely flushed. She glanced around and found her friends, Mary had one hand to her temple and was shaking her head. Marlene was unable to control her smiles and she stood with Sirius who was also deeply enjoying the show.

James stormed off towards the boys dormitory. Lily Evans was the most infuriating girl he had ever been cursed with knowing. He had done no harm to her, all he was guilty of was trying to get a little attention and spice up her day occasionally. She was the most annoyingly beautiful girl that he ever had the displeasure of knowing. With her large, piecing emerald eyes that drew him in, making him feel as if he would be absorbed fully into her soul if he got too close. But instead, they trapped him and suffocated him until he begged for mercy. He was too heated to fall into his bed, and so he threw a small fit while he made his way to the showers.

He threw the shower knob on to the highest heat, he wanted to physically burn off the memory of her screaming. Lily Evans and her anger. Lily Evans, the most annoying Prefect that lived to correct him. He scrubbed his forearms as he angrily furrowed his brow. That know-it-all with those little plump lips that never cease to find something smart to burn him with. He hated her stupid red blown out curls that ended right at her breasts. Her teasingly full but always covered breasts. What he would do to put his hands on them. James realized that he had perhaps forgotten what he had originally been thinking about.

He felt himself getting hard at the thought of her. He felt himself getting angry at the thought of getting hard over her. He pictured her breasts again. Always in her white uniform button downs. He pictured her sitting on his desk in class. Except it wasn't during class, because no one would be there to interrupt them. Her uniform slightly too tight, maybe her skirt was a little too short. Her eyes staring back at him, begging him to come closer. Her legs were spread just enough for him to fit between them. In his mind, her shirt was opened and he could just barely see her nipples peaking through her lace bra.

He grabbed himself, moving his hand up and down. In his mind, he pictured Lily's hand where his own were.

"Yes, James," she would say to him.

She encouraged him to continue, she wanted him to finish. She was enthusiastic for him, cheering him on. He could picture her rocking her hips back and forth while her legs wrapped around him. She was wet and soaking through her own underwear, he imagined the small spot she might leave behind on his desk. She was wet for him. He couldn't help himself when he let a small noise of satisfaction escape his throat. Harder and faster he moved his hand around himself, never stopping the image of it being her hand on him from playing in his mind. Maybe her other hand was around the back of his neck, occasionally reaching up to play with a lock of his hair.

And then it was over. He came and it all washed away. Everything from the mess he made to the anger that he had brought in with him. He released it all and let it go down the drain, never to be thought of again.

* * *

No note except for an apology to anyone who followed this story and then was left on a month long waiting period.


	3. Chapter 3

**YEAR 5 | PART 3**

Except James found himself plagued with the thought of Lily for the weeks to come. He found her completely distracting in class, even when she was silently taking notes, her red hair caught his eye and demanded his attention. One morning as they were leaving Transfiguration, she dropped her quill while she was gathering her books. James knew that she hadn't noticed and he jumped at the excuse to talk to her.

He had been in the middle of a conversation with his friends but as soon as his peripherals notice the movement of a small object rolling from the top of her books down to the floor, he ran for his chance to pick it up for her. He quickly moved past Sirius as he scooped up the quill and tapped Lily on the shoulder.

She turned around silently and he thought he sensed a bit of surprise in her eyes when she realized it was him.

"Uh, Lily, hi," James stammered.

"Hi?" He could hear the confusion in his voice as he noticed Mary peaking around Lily's shoulder at him.

"You dropped this," he spat out quickly while holding out her quill.

"Oh," Lily looked at her quill in his hand and slowly took it. "Thank you."

"Yeah, sure, no problem," James nodded his head as he ran his hand through his hair, he was completely unsure what to say next.

"Okay, well," Lily started after a few more moments of uncomfortable silence, "I'm going to head to Potions."

"Yeah, good plan," James was still nodding his head as she and Mary walked away.

While it was not the conversation he had hoped for, it did not go as badly as some of their past ones. James turned back to his own friend and attempted to walk back to them as smoothly as possible.

"Prongs, what just happened?" Sirius' tone was almost stern when James returned to the group.

"What'd you mean?" James tried to play stupid.

"He's talking about the record speed at which you ran at to get Lily's quill," Peter pointed out.

"She dropped something, am I supposed to just leave it?"

"Yeah," Sirius shrugged and pick up his bag from the desk that he had be resting it on.

James didn't have a response and he kept uncharacteristically quiet as he followed his friends out of the classroom and down the corridor. He noticed Lily walking with her friends only a little further up the hallway, he did not notice the pause in conversation amongst his own friends.

"Well, Prongs? It's sorta up to you," Sirius pulled his attention back to the group.

"Oh, yeah, right," James found himself falling over his own words.

"You can just admit that you weren't listening," Remus plainly stated.

"I was, I just, um," James struggled to search for an explanation.

"We're trying to figure out plans for break," Peter helped him out.

"Oh, right," James perked up, "That's easy, just come around mine again. Mum wouldn't care if you all just moved in."

James wasn't particularly sure why it even warranted a discussion, Sirius had been living with him since that previous summer and every year prior the boys had spent most of their free time during the winter holiday at his home anyways. As December was coming to a close, James had just assumed the plan was the same as always.

"If it's not putting her out," Remus politely reminded him.

"She loves the company, you know that Mooney."

"Okay great," Remus nodded, relieved to know that he would have some peace away from his own stressful family.

"Hey, what do you guys think about Evans?" James finally needed to talk it out, even if he only had a few more minutes before they arrived at their potions class.

"Evans? As in Lily Evans?" Peter clarified.

"Yeah, of course."

"I think she doesn't know how to keep track of her quills," Sirius mumbled.

"Well, besides that," James rolled his eyes— a motion he only got away with because he was walking slightly behind Sirius.

"What do you mean? She's nice, really smart," Remus shrugged.

"Nice?" Sirius questioned.

"Yeah, she's really friendly, we have Arithmancy together and we always partner in it, plus we do rounds together," Remus knew that Lily's attention to the rules and lack of appreciation for Sirius' antics had led her to have an less than favorable reputation in Sirius' eyes.

"She's pretty though," James added and Sirius stopped walking.

"What?" Sirius turned to look straight at James, he checked his face for any signs of a joke and was worried when he didn't detect any.

"Oh no, James," Remus shook his head and turned to also face James, he and Peter had stopped walking as well.

"What? What's wrong with that?" James wasn't completely surprised at his friends reactions, but he thought at least one of them would be on his side.

"Prongs, she hates you," Peter blankly stated.

"She doesn't hate me, exactly," James mumbled.

The truth was he wasn't actually sure how much of her anger with him was real or how much of it was just masking deeper feelings in the same way that he had recently realized that he had been doing. There was a small portion of his brain that told him none of her anger was being faked, but that didn't stop him from holding out hope.

"Have you hit your head recently?" Sirius laughed.

"No," James replied as he started to walk again.

The boys shared a look of confusion. Remus shrugged and started to follow James to class, the remaining two confused Marauders quickly followed.

The remainder of the week was mostly uneventful which had the boys thinking up a plan for a large scale prank to close out the first half of the school year. That weekend, the boys were sitting around the Gryffindor table for dinner, still laughing about their Quidditch victory the day before while throwing pre-break prank ideas that became more and more Slytherin focused as the list went on.

"I mean, Lily is fit though," James cut in, causing a sharp change in subject.

"What? Are we still talking about this?" Sirius rolled his eyes.

"You can't deny that, right?" James continued, "Moony, you agree, don't you?"

"I respect Lily as a peer and as the intellectually advanced student that she is."

"Peter, you're on my side, right?" James was annoyed at his friends' inability to get on his page.

"It's not about sides, its about… well…" Remus was at a loss for words, "Well, where the hell is this coming from?"

"I just, I can't stop thinking about her," James mumbled.

"Why?" Sirius glanced down the table at where Lily was sitting with her friends.

The remaining Marauders followed his glance as they considered James' dilemma.

"She is quite pretty," Peter agreed after quick consideration, "but Prongs, again, she does kinda hate you."

"But she can't really hate me," James protested but he didn't take his eyes off of Lily.

"I don't know exactly how to say this, but she really just might," Remus was being honest, he had heard enough complaints straight from Lily's mouth to know that she was quite serious about her distaste for James.

"Well, that'll have to change," James shrugged and turned back to his food.

"How do you figure you'll do that?" Sirius barked a laugh.

"Easy, I'll just show her what she's missing."

"Prongs, no please," Remus had to put a stop to whatever plan was forming in James' mind.

"What? Girls are easy, I've just never really tried to charm her. I can play nice," James stuffed a large spoonful of his dinner in his mouth.

"Lily isn't going to fall for charms and 'playing nice'. She's smart and complex and is going to want someone who respects that."

"Yeah, yeah, I get it."

"Do you? Because Lily isn't some girl that gets all hot watching you play Quidditch," Sirius was also doubtful of James' goal to woo Lily.

"Look, she likes Mooney, right? And I like Mooney. So we have that in common," James reasoned.

"What about Snape?" Peter pipped in and James made a face.

"What about that git?"

"_We_ think he's a git, but Lily is friends with him," Peter reminded him.

"He's right," Remus agreed, "You can't be hexing Snape for sport if you want Lily to like you."

"Come on," James tried to turned to Sirius for support, "she can't expect me to get on with that slimy snake."

"Exactly, she doesn't expect you to. That's why she doesn't consider you as a boy she'd like," Remus reasoned.

"Prongs, its a crush, you'll get over it the next time she starts screaming about her intolerance for joy," Sirius added.

"She doesn't have an intolerance for joy," Remus shook his head as he gathered his bag, "I'm going to the library, I have a handful of Arithmancy worksheets that I have to get through."

"Me too," James stood with him, "I have homework to do."

"Since when do you spend Sunday afternoons at the library?" Sirius teased.

"Since he realized that the key to Lily's affection might be hidden inside Mooney's brain," Peter told Sirius.

"No, I have a lot of work to do," James held his chin high as he quickly moved to keep up with Remus who had already began to leave the group.

When the two boys were settled at a table in the library, James contemplated how long he should wait before bringing up Lily again. He determined that 15 minutes should be more than enough time and began to watch the large clock that sat above the entrance. Remus quickly spread out the various worksheets and opened his textbook. He pulled out various measuring instruments that James wasn't completely familiar with and immediately got to work.

James pulled out his own potions essay that he did technically need to get done but hadn't actually planned on completing until later in the week. Potions was one of his least favorite classes, it required the most amount of preparation time, whereas charms and jinxes were more instant gratification.

"So, Mooney," James said after successfully waiting 15 minutes before breaking the silence.

"Yes, Prongs?" Remus sighed as he tore his eyes from his work.

"Are you busy?"

"James, obviously," Remus forced himself to keep his tone polite despite having the urge to maim his friend.

"It's just, you know," James started, "I'm serious about Evans."

"I'm sure you are."

"Really. I know it sounds a little out of no where, but I think I've always known it and I'm just now realizing it."

Remus folded his arms as he leaned back on his chair and actually considered James' words.

"If you do really like her, then you have to _show_ her. Not with pranks and big displays, she doesn't like that stuff. You just have to be nice and thoughtful."

"I am nice."

"Not to Lily."

"Only when she inserts herself into something I'm doing and starts correcting me."

"Okay, so how did she insert herself into your life when you were provoked to take her tea?"

"Not this again," James rolled his eyes.

"You know I'm right."

"It was just a friendly joke and I returned the tea back to her. She is the one who got violent."

"She was embarrassed in class and then you embarrassed her again by bringing it up in front of the entire common room."

"Well, what else was I supposed to say to her? I don't know how to talk to her."

"You could start by just saying hi and asking how she is doing. Maybe learn to be sensitive to when she's feeling down and not make it worse."

"I didn't mean to, you know that, right?" James sighed as he ran his hand through his hair.

"I know. I know you have good intentions, but you have to build trust with Lily. You have to earn her friendship first."

Remus wasn't really sure if he could see James and Lily together. They were both at the top of their year and were both Gryffindors, but besides that their similarities seemed to stop there. There was, however, one exception that Remus didn't quite know how to put into words.

The fact of it was, that it was true that none of the Marauders could figure out why Lily was drawn to a friendship with Severus Snape. She was smart, kind, and frankly really beautiful. Severus, on the other hand, was a little hard to stomach with an unnerving interest in the dark arts. On the surface it was hard to see what could be bonding the two, but despite everything their friendship appeared to never waiver.

It reminded him of his own friendship with the rest of the Marauders. James and Sirius were the poster boys for what it meant to be handsome and popular students. They practically had their own fan club. While Peter may not be as obviously attractive as James and Sirius, he shared their deep rooted love of mischief and his charisma made up for any doubt that he might not have been as handsome as the rest.

If he was being completely honest, Remus considered himself plain looking and he was painfully shy when it came to conversing with large groups. The rest of the Marauders had taught him to enjoy the sneaking around and rule bending over the course of the years, but Remus knew that he was really the one that fit in the least.

He also knew that no matter how much his friends tried to make him feel normal, he would always be a monster.

The truth was, Remus was a werewolf and despite being explicitly told by his father that he would never be able to be close to any normal witches or wizards, he had managed to find himself sewn into a very tight knit group. He had actually tried to hide his condition when he first came to Hogwarts, but the natural curiosity and care of his dorm mates made it impossible to keep a secret. While he was initially stressed to no end about how eager the boys were to solve the mystery that he was trying to hide, he was surprised at how accepting and nonjudgemental they were about his situation. He had always believed his condition would keep him from ever really being a part of a friendship like he had with the other boys and he treasured their friendship more than anything else he had.

And so, Remus had concluded that there must be something bonding Lily and Severus together. Something so unspeakable that for whatever reason, neither of the two were willing to share with anyone else but caused Lily to treasure her friendship more than popular opinion.

But more importantly, James' loyalty and unwavering friendship to Remus was more than enough of a reason to help him try to get Lily Evans to change her mind about him, even if he thought it was a bit of a lost caused.

Unsurprisingly, by the end of that week, James had made no progress with Lily, and if anything she hated him more. On Wednesday evening, he had thoughtlessly forgotten that Lily would be walking around the castle with Remus while they completely their rounds and she caught him and Sirius mid jelly leg hexing Severus who was walking alone in the corridors.

"James Potter! What is your problem?" she had shouted from just slightly behind him and he felt his heart fall into his stomach.

He turned quickly to confirm what his brain already knew, Lily and Remus had witnessed his momentary childish antics, but Lily wasn't looking at him. Her eyes had moved past him as she threw a concerned face to Severus and ran to help the Slytherin student.

"Are you okay?" Lily asked softly after administering the counter spell.

Remus was giving him and Sirius a lecture but he wasn't listening, he was straining his ears to hear the hushed conversation happening between Lily and Severus. He heard Lily ask if Severus was alright and if there was anything she could do. He heard Severus mumble that he was fine and then he felt his blood spike when he thought he heard Lily tell Severus _"just two more days."_ Two more days until what? Their holiday break obviously. But James' mind was circling with wonder and fear that she spent her free time on breaks with him.

"Mooney, come on," Sirius' voice broke James' concentration on his eavesdropping, "this Prefect thing is really sucking the fun out of you."

"Look, I can't just blatantly give you guys special treatment," Remus shook his head.

"What? Are you giving us detentions?" James smiling at the ridiculous idea.

"That would be protocol," Lily answered for Remus.

"Alright, and what about him?" James tilted his head in Severus' direction, "Why do you just assume we started it and he did nothing?"

Lily rolled her eyes, but couldn't deny a fair question.

"Alright, Potter, what did Severus do that deserved being hexed?" Lily spitefully asked as she crossed her arms.

Even when she was angry, James couldn't stop himself from admiring her. The way her wavy hair fell so long alongside her body made his hand itch with desire to touch it. He hated that she was mad at him again and he hated Severus for baiting him into acting out.

What was he meant to say? No, technically Severus hadn't hexed first and he hadn't said anything particularly threatening. It was the look on his face as he sulked down the hallways. It was the intangible happiness that Severus found when his disgusting blood purist friends scared younger students. Why did Lily seem to overlook their bad deeds when she lived to burn him for his?

"He's a slimy git, and just because he's sneakier about the way he treats other people doesn't mean he's any better," James spat out.

"How dare you," Lily's eyes were lit with anger.

"Come on, Evans," Sirius protested, "you know we're right. All those Slytherins are the same and your kidding yourself if you think anyone of them would stand up for you."

Lily was silent and James could feel his breath stuck in his throat. He didn't care if she gave him detention every night until they left for break, but in that moment he realized that he cared that Lily was genuinely upset.

"Look, guys," Remus pulled the conversation back around, "we have to give you detentions. You know that."

"Mooney, what?" Both boys were incredulous, but Sirius spoke first.

"You don't have to do anything," James couldn't hide the shock from his voice tried to reason with Remus.

"You know I have to, I'm a Prefect and I have a responsibility."

Remus was apologetic in his tone and he completely understood the irony of giving a detention to two boys who he regularly snuck around past curfew and left the castle with.

"Severus, I'm sorry, you can go," Lily turned back to look at Severus.

He didn't respond verbally but he nodded his head before disappearing down the corridor.

"You two need to just grow up," Lily spat before she turned away and continued on her patrol, not waiting for Remus.

"So," Sirius waited until she was out of ear shot, "since she's gone, you don't really have to give us detentions, right?"

"We'll just stay out of the common room for a few hours tomorrow night, she'll never know the difference," James added.

"You know I can't do that," Remus shook his head, "Look, Lily already kinda doubts my ability to uphold my responsibility when it comes to you guys. I don't want to prove her right, I'm supposed to be her partner in this and unlike you two I care that she thinks she's the only one taking it seriously.

"I care what she thinks," James added quickly.

"Yeah, and how's all that working out for you?" Sirius laughed.

"I know, it's not going perfectly," James sighed as he ruffled his hair in frustration, "Fine, Mooney, when's the detention?"

"Just serve one, tomorrow night, with McGonagall."

"Fantastic," Sirius mumbled.

"I have to catch up to Lily," Remus added.

"Can you just tell her…" James started but couldn't think of what he would want Remus to say.

"Tell her what?"

"I don't know, I don't know what she wants to hear," James was feeling defeated and wanted nothing more than to retreat to his dormitory until his ego felt better.

"I'll try to figure something out," Remus assured him as he walked away.

Sirius shoved his hands in his pockets as he and James started walking.

"I don't get where this whole thing with Lily came from, mate."

"I know," for once James was not in the mood to talk about Lily.

"That's it?" Sirius laughed again.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, Lily Evans is all I've heard about the past couple of weeks. It doesn't matter what we're talking about, you find a way to bring her up and now I'm willing to talk to you about her, you have nothing to say?"

"I just, I don't know," James didn't care that he sounded pathetic to his best friend. "It's like I had this realization that she's it. She's the girl I want to be with, she's brilliant and perfect and she's beautiful. But no matter what I do, I make her angry."

"Have you told her that you think she's brilliant and perfect and beautiful?" Sirius asked.

"Obviously not," James furrowed his brow.

"Why not? That's what any other bloke would do. And eventually that's what some other bloke is going to do and then you are going to be stuck watching her with someone else and I'm going to be stuck listening to you cry about it."

"Wow, thanks," James laughed.

"I mean it, I'm being serious," Sirius said with a smile.

"Stop it," James was smiling as well.

But he knew Sirius was right. If he kept screwing up with Lily, someone else was going to get her and then he would really be a mess. He resolved that he just needed to be more persistent and forward about his intentions with her if he was going to get anywhere.

Two days later, after classes had finished for the term, Lily Evans was cuddled up on a large sofa in Gryffindor common room with Mary while Marlene, and Dorcas shared the couch across from them. They had all filled their tea cups to the brim and were basking in their pre-break glory.

"I can't believe we are halfway through the year," Marlene said as she rolled her neck from side to side before sinking a little further into the couch.

"I am so excited for Christmas," Mary was smiling as she held her cup of tea to her chest, doing her best to absorb its heat.

"I'm going to miss you lot, why don't we do something over break?" Marlene asked.

"I'm down for whatever, I'm just going to be home with my family," Dorcas was adjusting the pillows behind her just slightly while being very careful not to spill any tea.

"I'd love that, really," Mary's smile widened as she peaked at Lily.

"Yeah, for sure, that'd be really nice," Lily agreed.

"Great, would you all like to come over to mine?" Marlene was already planning the night in her head, "obviously you should all stay over."

"Yeah, yours is probably more spacious than mine," Dorcas added.

"Your place works with me," Mary nodded, "of course you are all always welcome over to mine, but my mother and my nan are so overbearing I don't know how enjoyable it would be."

"You know, I've never been to Muggle England though," Marlene admitted, "and I've never gotten to do anything Muggle-related. I think it would be so much fun."

"You would probably be quite let down, its really not that exciting," Lily tried to assure Marlene.

"Yeah, honestly, compared to anything here, there isn't that much to see," Mary smiled at Marlene's excitement, even if she thought was slightly misinformed.

"You just think that because you grew up with it so you're used to it," Marlene protested.

"I think Marlene is right, we should do a day out in Muggle London," Dorcas was only half joking, she had never really spent any time in the Muggle world and she was always up for trying new things.

"Could we watch the television?" Marlene sat up a little straighter.

"You don't tend to watch the television while out in London, that's more of an at home activity," Lily didn't want to rain on Marlene's little parade but she did want to manage her expectations somewhat.

"Oh, we could go see a film," Mary was getting on board with this plan.

"Yes, a film! I would love that," Marlene was beaming and it was her excitement that made Lily smile.

"Okay, well, what else can we do in London that would be very Muggle-specific?" Mary turned to Lily for ideas.

"We could browse some record shops and they can listen to some new music," Lily added while thinking about the logistics of the four of them out and about in London.

"That sounds perfect, we'll do a night over at Marlene's and then a day out in London," Dorcas was smiling at the idea of having something new to do over break.

"McKinnon, my sweet, I have been without you for too long!" The loud voice of Sirius Black from the portrait entrance broke up their conversation.

A few weeks prior, Marlene and Sirius had begun some sort of comedic bit where they spoke to each other like lovestruck Shakespearean characters. Lily struggled to find much humor in the running joke and she was very confused as to where either of them had found the inspiration.

"Oh, Sirius, my dear, it's been so long, can I trust my eyes? Have you returned to me?" Marlene shouted back to him as he walked towards the group, the rest of the Marauders in tow.

James had mostly stayed out of Lily's eye line since she had run into him the other night while on rounds. She assumed that Remus had followed through with assigning both him and Sirius detentions but couldn't bring herself to talk to him about it. She was reassured by their lack of presence in the common room the night prior and Remus and Peter playing wizard's chess alone that they had actually attended a detention.

Foolishly, she thought that maybe she wouldn't have another interaction with either James or Sirius before leaving for Christmas, but as the group of boys made their way closer to where she was seated, she became very aware that she was not going to be so lucky.

"Hey," Marlene happily greeted the group as she slid slightly closer to Dorcas to make more room on the couch.

Sirius had slid down between Marlene and the arm of the sofa, their physical closeness made Lily almost a little uncomfortable. James had taken a spot leaning on the arm of the sofa next to Sirius and directly across from Lily. She refused to look directly at him and instead turned her attention to Mary. Peter plopped himself on to a tufted foot rest that had been empty while Remus remained standing next to James.

"So nice to have an evening off," Sirius kept talking.

"An evening off? Aren't all of your evenings off?" Marlene questioned.

"Well no, there's Quidditch practice, homework, extra curriculars, and of course detentions to attend," Sirius joked.

"Extra curriculars?" Marlene asked while giggling.

"Yes, dear, that would be all things included in keeping you entertained with my bright wit and elaborate pranks."

"I will vomit if you two don't stop pretending to be all lovey," Dorcas let them know, and Lily nodded her head in agreement, unsure of where the joke ended and where their actual feelings may have started.

"Whose pretending? My feelings are hurt," Sirius dramatically folded his arms.

"Oh, don't listen to her, she's much too jealous of what we have," Marlene continued.

"Public displays of affection are actually not permitted, especially when they are so obnoxious," Lily finally spoke.

"Oh no, not all this again, you've gone mad with power, Evans," Sirius teased, "I can't afford the time to sit in another detention before leaving my love tomorrow for the cold reality of winter holiday."

"You assigned him a detention?" Marlene was incredulous as she finally turned away from Sirius and looked at Lily.

"Yes," Lily could feel her cheeks getting warm and she cursed her complexion.

"It was within the student handbook and the Prefect guidelines," Remus came to her defense.

"Exactly," Lily nodded.

"Well what did he do that deserved such punishment?" Marlene playfully pinched Sirius' cheek while she pretended to baby him.

"He and Potter hexed another student in the halls, and they both received detentions," Lily clarified.

"Another student," Sirius scoffed.

"Who?" Dorcas asked.

"Snape," Sirius spat.

"Oh, well," Dorcas didn't know exactly how to respond.

"Exactly," Sirius mumbled.

"Exactly, what?" Lily

"He's just pointing out the obvious," James started, "you're the only person here who refuses to acknowledge that Snape is a no good—"

"Oh shut up," Lily cut him off.

"I'm right and you know it."

"You are not," Lily could feel herself getting angry and she wished that she could calm down, she hated that he always got the best of her.

Lily looked to her friends and hoped one of them would say something, but she knew they wouldn't say anything nice in Severus' defense.

"It doesn't matter who the student was, you two hexed a student who didn't retaliate or actually do anything to instigate. We had to give you detentions," Remus rationalized.

"He didn't instigate?" The doubt was obvious in Marlene's voice.

"He didn't," Lily confirmed.

"Which is why only James and Sirius received detentions, and they have already completed them," Remus shrugged and hoped the subject would be changed.

"As pleasant as this conversation is, why don't we change the subject?" It was Peter's turn to try and keep some peace.

"Okay, well what are you boys planning on doing over break?" Marlene took the hint and moved on.

"I've planned on spending every second of my free time with you," Sirius said to Marlene with a smirk.

"Well we're just arranging plans now, why don't you lot join us at some point?" Marlene said to the group of boy.

"I've actually planned on having a peaceful and enjoyable holiday, so I think I am going to be unavailable that day," Lily rolled her eyes.

"Too busy turning a blind eye to how openly dark your pet snake is?" James was vaguely aware that his tone was a bit harsher than he had intended.

Frankly, he hadn't be able to shake her words to Severus from his head _"two more days"_ and his mind had run wild thinking about what they would do alone on a holiday break.

Lily stood up and without another word, she began to walk to the staircase to the girl's dormitory, she was done with that conversation and unwilling to give him the satisfaction of making her angry.

"Alright, Evans, here's an idea," James stood and had begun to follow her to the staircase, "why don't you take a night out of your peaceful holiday and let me show you a good time."

"What did you just say?" Lily stopped walking and turned around in disbelief to look at James.

The six Gryffindors who had not opted to follow Lily as she left the couches all sat in stunned silence, Marlene's jaw had visibly dropped in surprise.

"Come on, Evans, you need to learn how to relax and who better to learn that from than me?"

"You are out of your tiny mind if you think I would ever elect to spend any of my free time in your presence," Lily felt her cheeks getting red.

"You see, that's your problem, you aren't being realistic with your expectations from people. You seem to have a few things backwards and you'd be lucky to get some one on one time with me."

"Stop speaking," Lily cut him off, "In fact, feel free to assume that from this point until the very end of time that you are never welcome to speak to me again."

"Oh stop pretending you don't want to," James Potter was smirking and Lily felt the desire to yell at him burning inside her.

"I am out of ways to tell you that I don't even want you to speak to me, let alone would I ever want to spend any more than the mandatory time that I already have to spend with you."

"Oh, right, I forgot that you are such a princess and we all just need to give you proper space and behave exactly how you demand." As the insult left his lips, he knew he had majorly messed up.

In a silent anger, Lily looked him dead in the eyes for one quick moment before she turned quickly and walked up the stairs in the most composed manner that she could muster. She was not able to control herself once she reached the entrance to the dormitories and accidentally allowed herself to slam the door behind her.

"You know, I haven't even finished packing yet, I should go up anyways," Mary spoke first as she stood from her seat and quickly darted up to check on Lily.

Dorcas stood next without speaking and started to walk to the staircase, stopping when she reached James.

"What the hell is the matter with you?" She asked before quickly continuing her way up.

When both Dorcas and Mary has disappeared behind the door to their shared bedroom, Marlene finally spoke.

"James, why did you do that?"

"Okay, that didn't come out the way I had intended," James returned to the group on the couch.

"And how did you intend for that to come out?" Marlene was quite serious but remained very soft in her tone.

"I'm not sure, maybe I should have thought it out a bit more," James mumbled, he was sitting on the couch, but he was leaning forward with his forearms resting on his knees and his hands folded.

Marlene couldn't remember a time seeing him look more defeated and she was unsure of what to say.

"I'm just really confused," Marlene continued, "I think we're all confused."

Remus was still refusing to make eye contact with anyone as he continued to stare straight at the rug.

"Well, Marlene," Sirius finally spoke, "believe it or not, that was his way of telling Lily how amazing and wonderful he finds her and that he's done nothing for weeks but think about how much he loves her."

"What?" Marlene couldn't hold in a laugh but quickly stifled it when he heard a sad groan come from James.

"I wish I was kidding," Sirius continued.

"Really, James?" Marlene was unsure of how to handle that information.

"I'm not in love with her," James defended himself, "I just can't help it, I don't know."

"It's just a crush, you'll forget about it and get over it in no time," Marlene told him.

"It's my fault, I didn't realize how shit you were at talking to girls, next time we'll workshop you're going to say first," Sirius assured him.

"Next time?" Marlene sat up and turned to Sirius.

"Yeah, why not?" Sirius shrugged.

"Because I don't like watching one of my best friends run up to her bedroom and cry on a regular basis," Marlene found herself being a bit harsh but she knew it was the only way to get through James' head.

"Why would she be crying?" James picked himself up a bit and looked at Marlene.

"Because its Lily, she's sensitive and you get under her skin."

"Lily isn't sensitive," James corrected her.

"Are you kidding me? Do you actually think you know more about Lily than I do?" Marlene laughed.

"Well, I don't know, I've never seen her be upset."

"James, come on, you've seen her upset plenty of times," Marlene was a bit in disbelief at James' serious lack of awareness.

"So what do I do?"

"Bloody hell, it's called apologizing," Marlene rolled her eyes at how dense James was being.

"Don't be too harsh on the boy, he's doing his best," Sirius laughed a little as he put his arm around Marlene's shoulder.

"You boys are exhausting."

"Eh, you love it McKinnon," Sirius

"I have to finish packing too," Remus said abruptly.

"Me too, I haven't packed anything," Peter joined Remus standing and the two walked together to the boy's dormitory.

Over in the girl's dormitory, Lily sat up that night long after the other girls had fallen asleep, her trunk was packed and she had nothing more to busy her hands with. Her brain was flooded with thoughts of worry about her upcoming holiday. Petunia had not made it a priority to be home on Lily's last day of summer, and she had not come down the morning that Lily left for school to say goodbye. Occasionally James' words kept popping into her head. She could not figure out his game. Was the idea of taking her on a date just so humorous to him that he actually needed to tease her out loud? Not that she would ever want to actually date him, but the insinuation that dating her would be such a horrible joke made her feel uncomfortable.

She knew he was mean and he was obviously angry at her for giving him a detention, but the joke hit a little too close to her own insecurities. She didn't have a loving relationship with her mother or sister and her biological father had never made an appearance in her life. Her step father loved her, she knew that and she could feel it when she was with him, though sometimes she worried it was only out of obligation for being the only person in the world that could be responsible for her.

She was embarrassed to talk about it with anyone, and it was impossible to talk to even Mary about it without being honest about all the messiness that she had been hiding from her friends, but there was times that she felt completely unloveable. James Potter had finally found the cord that struck Lily the worst and all she could do was hope that he didn't notice how hurt it made her feel and that he would just forget about it.

For a brief moment she wondered if there was any possibility that he was serious about his offer to take her out. No, she quickly decided, there was no way he actually wanted to spend more time with her. Especially considering the wording he used _'learn how to relax',_ it was a joke and her cheeks burned red as she pulled the covers over her head and she buried her entire body into her bedding.

She tried to focus on the fact that she would soon be able to catch up with Severus and spend some time with him. With the exception of a couple of stolen conversations in passing in the library and looks thrown from across classrooms, she hadn't actually had much time to talk to him. Her step father, Richard, would be picking them up at the train station as usual and Severus would more than likely be spending the rest of the day at her home.

Lily thought briefly about her girl friends. In years past, she hadn't spent any time with them over Christmas but they seemed genuine about celebrating Christmas together one night and she was really looking forward getting to see them outside of Hogwarts.


End file.
